I have to write an essay about myself. 5 pages minimum. What the hell am I going to write?

I don't know how to start. If I know how to start I won't be here, whining and complaining. Please tell me how to start. Then where I shall start. Should I start here?

I was hoping my lecturer would prefer quality over quantity but nooo ...that's not going to happen. *sigh*

I am only on my third page. What can I write more about myself?