Sometimes the things people say to you, no matter how little and insignificant can forever be etched in your mind. It keeps repeating over and over to the point of insanity.

There are times when I wish I could silence them. Just say the word Silencio and they automatically shut up. Or maybe I could Crucio them. For now there is one person that I would love to do those things. First Crucio, then Silencio.

Anyway, currently enjoying my holiday. Stress free, assignment free, annoying lecturers free. I really can't wait for 27th December. Also this coming weekend, insyaAllah. My cousin's due date is this weekend. Hopefully all goes well. Kali ni Puteri apa pulak yer?

Amelia's current words :

• Mingkap (make-up)
• Tak bisa
• Hapus (blackboard duster)
• Bedili (berdiri)
• Tulun (turun)
• Saya suka awak

She's just too funny sometimes. I really enjoyed my time with her. Always have. If only I could see her everyday.

Please. No more shopping malls please. I have been going to the same place since Saturday. But it’s nice though. I love Christmas sales and celebration. Everything looked so beautiful and just cheery.

Anyway I had the doctor to cut off my lump. Then she had to stitched me. Now my wound is all itchy and Mama forbids me from touching it. Ughhhh …

I have to start studying. This Friday I have Language and Ideology.

I really can't wait to go to Gold Coast.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." ~Jim Morrison.

While I loved celebrating my birthday, I loved seeing all of my family and friends even more. I got presents from them although I didn’t asked. But I love it anyway :-D I honestly just wanted to celebrate and spend time with them.

Thank you so much for the lovely presents you guys.

These past few days have been wonderful. Delicious food and great company, especially last night. So much laughter, gossiping and reminiscing the past. I haven’t laughed so hard IN ages!

Once again, thank you for the wonderful wishes, great time and lovely presents.

Sometimes when I remember certain flashbacks about my past with friends and especially family, it brings tears to my eyes. Good memories, sad memories, tragic memories, all these memories made me cry.

I am reminded about this particular memory that happened somewhere in the middle year if I’m not mistaken and I just cry. I wish I will never witness that again.

Happy birthday Puteri Amelia! Aunty Lia loves you very much~

I just got back from the clinic. Stupid gastric! Making me uncomfortable and in pain.

Not only that I'm pissed off!! SANGAT PISSED OFF. Who the fuck are you calling me bitch? Why are you so jealous? He's my friend. He's your boy friend. I get that but I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING to overstep any boundaries. I'm not a slut or homewrecker. Besides I'm not interested in him AT ALL. Ewwww ....~

Sampai nak sound2 plak lepas ni kalau aku 'melampau', since sekarang aku belum sampai tahap melampau. GO TO HELL la. Berani sound la. Aku pun boleh sound kau gak sebab perangai tu menyusahkan orang lain! Kalau buat perangai buruk tak menyusahkan orang tu takpe gak. Ni menyakitkan hati DAN menyusahkan!

I smelled like baby puke. Farhan puked on me three times. So I have to change my shirt a number of times. Ughh yuck~ Nasib baik sayang. *sigh*

Saturday and Sunday was GREAT! From The Curve to Parade then to Empire to Pyramid, surrounded by people that meant a great deal to me. It was really fun. Definitely de-stress myself from all the stress I’ve been having lately.

Last night was Amelia pre-birthday celebration. We celebrate her birthday at Mantra, Pyramid. I love the butter chicken. Always been my favorite. As always awesome company delicious food.

Anyway, Mama bought me Bvlgari perfume :-DD Sangat happy!! Initially I wanted Chanel, but I changed my mind. I can always buy it later.

My early present from Mama :-D

Queen Rock n Roll from Theobroma Chocolate Lounge. OMG delicious.

Last weekend was fun. Spent some quality time with my family. On Saturday we went to Mami's house. Had dinner at the patio. The weather was cool and breezy. Amelia was our usual entertainer. Gosh she looked like she's high on sugar all the time. She's witty too. The next day also another dinner but at Dome. Great food, awesome company. Basically from Friday to Monday, I had an awesome time.

I ditched class to spent time with my family yet again. It was very tiring. Had a full day. We woke up early because we need to renew our passport. The plan was to do exactly that and then they send me to class. I was thinking of not going actually then Mama lectured me that's not a good habit, yadda yadda. Later when we got home she changed her mind. She herself told me to ditched class. Fickle minded much? Hehehe. I don't mind though. Spent the rest of our day at Garden and Midvalley. Watched another movie that day. I cannot believe Ayah willingly watched a chick lit movie with us. As usual when spending time together there will lots of teasing, laughter, whining, complaining and of course quarreling. Tak sah kalau tak gaduh. Huhu. We dropped by TGI Friday's at Garden to see my friend since she's working there. She belanja us some delicious appetizer. Yummy~

I cannot wait for next weekend during Deepavali. My relatives are coming from Alor Star. Not only that, that particular weekend there's going to be a BBQ Party for Amelia. She's going to be two years old. This time the party will be low key which I prefer.

CAN'T WAIT.

My birthday's coming up along with Mama. This year we are not going to do a BBQ dinner. Pity. Almost every year we do that but since Kak Nina dah buat, takpelah.

As for presents, I want Chanel perfume, Mama ....pleaseeeeeeeeee with marshmallow on top? Hmm ..now I'm craving hot chocolate.

Currently stressed doing assignments. I can't wait for everything to be over. So many things to look forward to. For example Kak Nina is going to give birth in the middle of December. Then two days after Christmas I'm off to Gold Coast until after New Year. Yayy :-D

'What Could Have Been'

Silent wishes left unspoken,

my heart once full of love, now lies broken.

What could have been, I know will never be.

So clear now, you've never belonged to me.

My heart once full of hope, is no longer able to cope,

when the bond between us has been so completely broke.

No, what could have been, between you and me, I know now will never be.

The minute I got home, standing outside my gate I can hear laughter's. They were loud and definitely having a great time. I can see Mama happily laughing with her friends. I’m glad to see that. The past few weeks she has been so stressed with her work. Coming home late at night, sometimes midnight. It’s a good way to de-stress.

Anyway, I had a great time going out with Fazril and Nisa. Hope in the near future kita keluar lagi. This time bawak Nana. Sian tak dapat ikut :(

Honestly, I love writing. But sometimes writing gives me a headache and I struggled on what to write. Currently I have two projects and three assignments. What I really hate is create and design a story using pictures and symbols but no words. Gosh it’s hard enough to create a story that is totally original but to do a story board? Either you find a picture or draw. I hate drawings! I was never good at it. Hmmm …

Moving on ..

Two days ago we had a BBQ Night at Kelana Parkview. It was fun. Great companies and awesome food. The air was cool and breezy. In the beginning I was pissed off with a few of them. It’s best I don’t mention their name. I really really feel like slapping the hell out of them. Rude, selfish, inconsiderate people. My other friend was so angry she nearly cried. Guess it’s combined with stress and not enough time and help. Luckily the others were very helpful. Never ever rely on them again. Lesson learned.

I spent the day with Amy, Kak Nina and Megat last weekend. As usual I had a great time.

She's so entertaining. There's always new things to discover when it comes to her. Like new dance robot, new song, new words. She likes to ask so many questions. And when someone responds, she replies with 'Oh' Everything 'Oh' ..The other time I was mentioning someone to Kak Nina and Amy goes 'Budak-budak'. She's smart. Knows the right words in the right situation.

I missed her already. Love spinning her around. She'll go screaming 'Otoman'.

A song playing in the background
Every lyric reminding me of you
Memories running through my mind
So many things I wish you knew

Every time I saw you
My heart beats faster
The more I was around you
The more you stayed in my mind.

Every night I lay in bed thinking of you
Even when I’m sleeping I dreamed of you
I remember every sweet memories
Those are precious to me

If only I said yes
Who knows maybe
You would still be here
Now I will never know

I was a coward
Never want to take a chance
Afraid to get my heart broken
Now I stand here alone.

I had the most embarrassing moment in class today. We were talking about the many topics that we can select for our presentation which is in two weeks. Then my lecturer mentioned something about mooncake. She said what's the story behind it or something like that. I immediately replied to her saying I know nothing about it. She looked at me and said 'bangsa kamu sendiri pun tak tau cerita pasal mooncake'. I was stunned because first, she talked to me in Malay. She rarely talks Malay in class. Second, wtf? I thought it was clear to her that I was Malay. I mean we have to introduced ourselves in class. She didn't believed me when I told her I was Malay. Even asked for my name. Sheesshhh. Malu betul! Everyone laughed at me!

Anyway this year Raya sucks. As I mentioned before both my Maktok and Atuk passed away this year which means I have no grandparents. I wish that my grandparents from both side was still alive. I totally missed balik kampung even though the long distance journey sucks. I always get headaches or feel dizzy in the car unless I'm the one driving. I missed the feeling of the real Hari Raya where one day before Raya everyone has their own duty whether to cook, potong all the necessary stuff to make all the delicious food, cleaning up the house, etc. We fight, we laugh, we gossip, we cried. Funny how sometimes you didn't really missed any of this. Not until they are gone. *sigh*

Today was the first time I visit Mami's house during first day of Raya. Before this it's either I went back to Alor Star or Johor or they came to our house. I miss my grandparents. I wish they are here with us. This year I have no grandparents to mintak ampun. I never get to say goodbye for the last time with any of them.

Anyway, after we went to Mami's house, all of us went to a couple of houses to celebrate Raya with them. I have to say, Mak Ngah cooked the most delicious Laksa Penang ever! I never tasted anything like that. Pedas, pekat, masam semua cukup rasa. Nyum nyum. But I only ate a little because I was so full. Hopefully in the near future Mak Ngah masak lagi. Haihh terliur bila teringat. Hehehe..

I missed Kak Nina's crème brulée. Her crème brulée is delicious!!

I had a blast going out with my friends tonight. Lots of teasing and laughter. I love it~ :-) We went to Murni ss2 for buka puasa and Wondermilk for dessert.

This semester I'm taking :

- Business Communication 2
- Language and Ideology
- Language and Power
- Language and Media
- Creative Writing
- Cultural Diversity and English

Just looking at the subject makes me want to puke. All tough subject. I don't want my pointer to go down. I hope I can do it. I know I can :)

. . .the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference.

I have been reading this fiction that I love so much. I’m practically addicted to it. The one I’m currently addicted is about the guy cheated on his girlfriend. Then he got the homewrecker bitch pregnant. How heartbreaking for the girlfriend. Later they broke up although not officially and dated someone else. The guy was sweet and caring. But then turned out to be a fake. He only got with her to get revenge with ex-gf and the guy who stole his ex-gf. The guy used to date the girl he is with now. Poor girl got her heart broken twice. All because of the same girl who is a bitch, homewrecker, slut, spiteful and just plain evil! What is so special about this girl anyway that got both men crazy about her? Maybe it’s because of her sluttiness and expert at seducing people.

The latest update on the story is about closure and forgiveness. Some are confused by the terms closure and forgiveness. Just because the parties of this situation seek closure, it does not mean that reconciliation will occur. Closure just provides the opportunity to clear the air, a learning experience, at best. Forgiveness also does not guarantee reconciliation. Sometimes it hurts too much to be with them again. You will always wonder if that person will cheat on you again or not. Or compare you to the other person.

The baby is the only innocent party in this situation. At best he has a mother that is a soulless home-wrecker.

Okay, I’m getting way ahead of this. Going to shut up now.

I can’t stop laughing at Mama. She was pissed off because Farhan didn’t want her. She was taking care of him while our maid do her chores but then he cried. No matter what my Mom did he wouldn’t stop crying. I tried to take over but she insisted on holding him. Later she gave up and passed it to me. Immediately he stopped crying. So you can imagine how my Mom felt. Hehehehe. Sorry Mama~ Jangang marah yer. It’s not my fault he preferred me. I took care of him most of the time when the maid was busy doing her work.

There is no such thing as long term or true friendship in this world. At least not to me.

Enough said.

Not even a day passed and already I missed them. The next time we meet, will be in another three weeks. New life and new environment for all of us but still the same group of us, hopefully. InsyaAllah. I don't want anymore fights or backstabbing pretentious friends. I had enough of it to last me a lifetime.

I had a busy day today. Kak Nina woke me up at 8am to go breakfast with the family. I seriously could not even opened my eyes. I was so sleepy and tired from helping my friends moving out of their apartment. After breakfast, we went to Empire. My aunty shopped a little. I just looked around and basically play around and took photos with Amy :-))

We spent a few hours there then I sent Kak Nina and Amy home. Took short break at home then went to college. It was my last final exam. Thank God it was only English Language Proficiency 3. Basically grammar/comprehension stuff. It wasn't that hard but it wasn't easy either. I sent my friends back because it was raining then immediately went to Pyramid to meet my family. My aunty and cousin from Alor Star sure are in a mood for shopping.

So that's all for today. I'm off to bed. Toodles~

Bluekkk ..

Yucky yucky medicine. I hate it.

I’m tired. I'm cranky. I have the stupid flu and my throat hurts. I’m starting to get a headache from sneezing too much.

Just now Kak Nina called. She told me Amy was literally running to the sliding door because she thought me and my sister came to visit her. There was a honk, that’s why she was so excited. Poor little girl. I’ll come visit you soon ok? Miss you very much.

The moment he walked in, my world brightens and my heart skips a beat. Sounds like a total cliché, right? But really, I’m beginning to like him as more than a friend. I’m not sure when it started. Just know that I have a huge crush on him.

It’s just a crush which I hope in time will fade. No use liking him more than necessary because I am never going to have him. He’s way out my league. I don’t think he likes or wants me as more than a friend. I’m ugly. Fat. Annoying. I can bet you we are never ever going to be together. That’s why I hope my crush on him will be over soon. If this feelings turn into love, then I’m in a big trouble.

Third semester is coming to an end. My next semester will be at the new campus in Sunway. Not very thrilled but what to do.

Just got back from dinner with my cousin and family. So happy to see them especially my adorable little niece, Amelia a.k.a Amy2. She kept us well entertained during dinner. I adore her.

You only point out other people’s mistakes. What about yours? Sometimes you are so fake, do you know that? You are the oldest among us and yet you behave like a child. Tsk tsk tsk …

You hurt a lot of people, not just me, by your actions and underlying words. Seriously, if you only knew how many people are so fed up with your attitude. If you keep up with that kind of attitude, you will have no friends in the end.

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I don't know why you are angry at me. I don't know why you blame me for something I did not do. And I don't know why the hell you are believing what others said about me. You knew me! You are closer to me than anyone else, and yet you believe them. I hate the fact that you fuckin' blame me. Do you think I am that desperate? I heard you cried because of me. How stupid of you? All of this could have been avoided if you just confront me. I thought you are a straightforward person. So what the hell are you waiting for?

Please do not make stupid assumptions about me. You aren't that perfect either. If you pick my faults then I will surely pick yours because believe me, you do make mistakes. In fact everybody do. You are supposed to act your age, not act like a childish person. If I had hurt your feelings then what about me? You did to me too especially about the stupid marks. It's like you think I don't deserve it. You probably do think that but hey, I don't want to accuse anything.

Everything is so fucked up lately. Thank God they are here for me. Thank you very much guys!! I appreciate it :)